Ok so today I've been in an odd mood. When I get inside my head I get trapped there for a while. Today the thing that has been on my mind is stupid really, but it's a basic need that everyone has. It's the need to feel loved... or just cherished. I think I've spent so much time trying to not want the simple things in life, I've been so scared to commit to people. All that is really is my fear of losing people, when you tell yourself that people can be disposed of it's easier when they eventually leave. I'm starting to get over that dumb, heartless way of thinking. If there are people in your life that make a difference to it you have to let them know. Like my friend, she always tells me that I'm her best friend and she loves me. Those two things scare the hell out of me, the best friend thing - I feel like there's an eternal revolving door for people with that title. and "I love you" - if it's not a family member I can't get those words out. Not even for a friend. But I know I'm getting over that, last night I saw my friend and hell she is the best friend I have, she's so sweet, she makes me laugh and she makes me feel like the person I want to be. I do love her. There I said it! And now the whole day I've been thinking about how much I'd like to have a normal relationship. I want someone to call my own, someone I could just invite over and be comfortable with, someone I could tell my parents about and let them come along with me to visit my dad, someone who my brothers and sister could get along with, someone that I could share my ups and downs with, someone to spoil, someone who I could fall in love with without being afraid. I don't know why no one seems to want that with me. I've always been an inbetweener or a 'not the right time' everything but what I'd really like to be. Anyway, what can I do about it? There are people in my life that make me really happy and I'm grateful for them but at the end of the day if I can't have them to myself what does it matter?
Well that's all the rubbish thats been in my head today.
I'll post pics of the stuff I made when my sister brings her camera.
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